The Five Worst Christmas Movies of All-Time
The Five Worst Christmas Movies of All-Time
Christmas has been the subject of many films over the years, and the results have been mostly beloved, as in the case of "A Christmas Story" or "It's a Wonderful Life." Unfortunately, not all Christmas films are as popular or well-made as those two. Although each one is still entertaining in its own right, here are five of the worst Christmas movies of all-time.
This 2005 straight-to-DVD killer flick stars wrestling star Goldberg (billed here by his full name Bill Goldberg) as Santa, who proceeds to cut a bloody path through a suburb called Hell's Township. Many of the kills are done in a way that has something to do with the holidays, such as his murder of one woman by drowning her in a huge bowl full of eggnog. Another man gets killed when Santa shoves a menorah down his throat.
The filmmakers reinvent Santa, and his origin story is actually pretty interesting. Santa is the spawn of Satan, but is defeated in a curling match by a benign angel who sentences him to be nice for 1,000 years by giving away presents to the children of the world. When the thousand years are up, Santa reverts to his father's devilish ways and uses Christmas to murder. It's a bloody gore fest that goes for a campy feel, but it falls a little short of that goal.
Drew Latham (Ben Affleck) is a busy corporate executive with a beautiful girlfriend named Missy (Jennifer Morrison), who is really too good for him. As the holidays approach, he buys them tickets to Fiji for Christmas, but Missy takes this as a sign that he doesn't care for family, and therefore couldn't get serious with her and have a family of his own. The self-centered Drew goes into a tailspin, and when his therapist Dr. Freeman (Stephen Root) leaves town to be with his own family, he decides to visit his childhood abode and stage his own therapy session. One of the new residents of the home is Tom Valco (James Gandolfini), a crank who doesn't like Drew. A lot of miscues and unintended laughs follow as Drew tries to win Missy back by having Valco and his brood pose as Drew's family.
"Santa with Muscles"
Hulk Hogan proves that Goldberg isn't the only wrestler who can make a Christmas movie, but unfortunately they have equally uneven results. Hogan stars as a mean millionaire who owns his own company and treats his employees like garbage. He thinks he rules the world, and he drives recklessly without any regard for the danger he is imposing on others. One night, the police try to pull him over for his recklessness, so he tries to outrun them. In a series of improbable events, he ends up with amnesia and thinks that he is a mall Santa Claus. One of the few bright spots of the film is that it features a very young Mila Kunis before she joined the ranks of the Hollywood elite.
"Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas"
This film should have been much better, considering its pedigree. It was produced and directed by Ron Howard, who won an Academy Award for "A Beautiful Mind." It also starred Jim Carrey, the rubber-faced comedian who could sit and read a page full of obituaries and still find a way to make it funny somehow. Yet Howard's great movie mind and Carrey's manic comic skills couldn't save this film. Billed theatrically simply as "The Grinch," it is an over-the-top version of the classic Dr. Seuss tale that alienated a lot of the purists who love the iconic television version that has been airing for decades. The film does have some funny and touching moments, but it lacks the heart that the book and TV show have, which is why it ended up on this list.
"Jingle All the Way"
On paper, a film about the crass consumerism of Christmas that poked fun at the frenzied buying culture that marks the holiday should have been a huge success. It starred Arnold Schwarzenegger before he got serious and political, and comedian Sinbad, who was arguably at the height of his movie popularity. Somehow, those strong ingredients didn't go well together, and Schwarzenegger's deadpan delivery seemed out of place when paired with Chris Columbus' rewritten script. Like all the movies on this list, "Jingle All the Way" definitely has its moments, but those short-lived scenes just aren't enough to sustain the film throughout its 89-minute runtime.